something to never do again...

last night was the first, and most likely the last time i will ever stay out until 5 in the morning. i am far too old to be doing stuff like that and my body was telling me no the whole time. the grandmas (rach & i) really came through last night, though. i'm proud to say that i did it. i honestly probably didn't drink that much (ok, i drank a little more than i'm used to) and estaba contenta. i can't stress enough how big of a difference there is between your first years of college (until after your junior year) and the start of your senior year, but there's a big one. i am definitely not the type of person i was when i was a freshman and sophomore and i think that you can never really understand the difference until you're at that crossroad. it's amazing because as much as we tell people that we are old (at least for this program, but in a broader sense, we will be faced with big decisions, but that does not classify us as 'old') and that going out and getting drunk every night that we're here just does not sound appealing to us or that staying out until 5 in the morning is WAY too late for us. but hell, we had a GREAT time!

only in spain...

...would you see a middle-aged woman, dressed as if going out to get coffee with friends, hop onto a harley-like motorcycle, with a crotch-rocket-type helmet atop her head after going shopping.

It's all just a whirlwind of emotion.

I can't even begin to describe how emotions completely take over your mind, your body, everything when you're abroad. One day, everything is great, and the next, life turns its back on you. It's amazing to me, just to realize how things can change so quickly, without even knowing why. Obviously, there are factors that play into the emotions, but for the most part, they're all things that can't be helped. I miss home. That's inevitable. I miss my family. Again, inevitable. I miss John, even though we're not what we used to be. Inevitable. Everything is seemingly inevitable and no matter how much you want to help it, you can't. At this point, I want nothing more than to be able to talk to people face to face, to be around people that have known me forever, or that know me better than I know myself, but it can't be, and I have to get over it. I have to be able to move on, to live the life I have here, to take advantage of what I have right before my eyes. And if I want things to go the way I think they should be, I'll just have to be patient. Something I've never been so good at, but I'm willing to try it. Things here haven't fallen into place immediately, but I can see that things are going to. The more I start traveling, exploring my world abroad, the better things will be for me and the better this experience is going to be. Even just a weekend away makes everything seem brighter. Valencia did that for me this weekend. Two days away from Alicante, and my world seemed brighter. It was beautiful, I had a great time, and I was with a great friend. I can't really ask for much more.

it's becoming my reality...

Just when I thought I wouldn't get used to the life I'm going to be living here in Spain for the next couple of months, something strange has come over me: it's starting to settle in. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be going back home any time soon, and I definitely think that's a good thing. I'm really starting to get used to my daily routine, which, unfortunately will be changing in about a week and a half when I start taking other classes, but for now, I'm good. I miss home, I miss family, I miss friends, and I miss John a whole lot, but you know what? That's going to happen. I'm going to miss home and I'm okay with that. I want so badly for John to come visit and I wish more than anything that it might happen. But I can't get my hopes up for much because so much is still unknown here. I'm looking forward to learning things about myself that I could have never learned without being away; I'm ready (whether I like it or not) to test our relationship and see how strong it really is; and I've already learned that I depend on my family and the people I surround myself with more than I could have ever imagined. Being so far away is hard, it really is, but there are so many things you take for granted while you're home. I thought that I'd have to sit back and relfect after my trip in order to see the things I've learned, but thankfully, I'm starting my learning early. Random babblings. That's all I've got for now. Random babblings.

highs and lows...

I really just want to let everyone know that I am having the time of my life even though the downs happen more than the ups. Overall, this is experience is making me grow, although all I can do is complain. Honestly, it´s not that bad. All of this discomfort and missing comes with the territory that I didn´t really foresee. I just kept saying `I can´t wait to get outta here...Spain is going to be incredible´ and while Spain will be incredible, I do have to deal with the highs and the really low lows that come along with being here. I can´t wait for all of the different things I´ll be doing in Spain and Europe in its entirety...things I would have never done had I not studied abroad. As much as I miss home, I miss my family, and I miss miss miss John (and wish he could come visit), I know it´ll all be there when my time is over here. That´s the one thing that I need to keep in mind...no matter how sad I am, no matter how much I want to come home, I know that it´ll be there when I get back, so I just need to live in the moment and take this experience for what it is. A once in a lifetime opportunity to live in a completely different culture, learning about the culture itself, the people, the similarities and differences to my culture, meet new people, grow, and unxpectedly grow closer to the people that I love and miss at home. Here, I don´t take things for granted and I realize how lucky I am to have the people that I do in my life. Thank you all. I´m sorry if I haven´t shown that to you, and I apologize that it takes me being away to realize it, but I do realize it and I want you to know that I do need you all in my life and I am so lucky to have you.

this has to get better, right??

so far, my experience in spain has been lack luster. the culture is amazing and i can see myself really indulging in this culture...but i haven't had an experience worthy of jealousy yet. it's early monday morning (2:30, to be exact), and i can't sleep because i'm paranoid that someone, for some odd reason is going to break into my window that's 20 stories up to steal my mediocre computer. slightly paranoid because i still don't have my luggage (only 3 days after i've arrived, no big deal) and the office that apparently has my luggage wouldn't answer my phone calls today. atleast none of my 4 attempts. i would like to wear something new, but i can't, and i'm not sure when i'll be able to. the plan for tomorrow was to go to the beach, but the likelihood of me fitting into a swimsuit for a girl that's about 5'2 115 pounds is not good (that's my only option - to wear one of chanelle's). oh well, i guess i'll just have to wear the black skirt i've been wearing since thursday. i've made it this far, right?

at least these people are affectionate, i envy them because of that. and it's made everything a little more lighthearted. just seeing people in love or people who love eachother walk, talk...it's so different than in the states. there, we were (or atleast i was) brought up to believe that showing affection in public is a social faux pas. how sad that you feel uncomfortable showing the people you love some affection. i've also found that you stand out as an american if you smile to strangers. honestly, that's the biggest difference. spaniards just aren't familiar with that and apparently it makes them uncomfortable. how coincidental that they show so much affection but are less warm.

i'm hoping that tomorrow brings some good news. i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

indifference.

Well, I leave in just a couple of days. Thursday, to be exact; and I'll be in Spain on Friday morning at 7. Yet, I still don't feel like I'm going anywhere. I've been trying to spend as much time with John as possible, with the people I love, and I've even said goodbye to a few people I adore, and strangely, emotions haven't overcome me. Ok, there have been slip-ups, but 4 weeks ago, I was more emotional thinking about leaving than I am with just two days to go until I get on an airplane that I won't get back on until December 21st. I guess I won't realize how my life will change until my plane takes off.

I'm scared of the unknown, but excited for it as well. I don't know what's going to come my way, but I plan on embracing it and making the most of it. Wish me luck!